I am gay. I am a Child of God. He loves me. His son atoned for my sins, pains and sufferings. HE wants me to be happy and return to him. I have to do that by following the Spirit which tells me to start a family and raise children with a loving Husband. IF the Church isn’t true then MY testimony in it and God is shaken and thus my spiritual experience to live with a husband isn't true. But then What does it matter. If I look at this like a game theory problem then I have the choices to Cooperate with the Church, or defect from it, those are my options. The Church’s option is to be true or not. Looking at this as for a Nash Equilibrium point of view I come up with the following possible outcomes:
1. If I cooperate and the Church is true, then I have obeyed the teachings of the Church but not the Spirit and will achieve the blessings promised simply through the sheer will power, but will be without help-meet or children and thus will have missed many opportunities for human and spiritual development.
2. If I cooperate and the Church isn’t true, then I have wasted my entire life following that which is untrue, being completely alone and leaving no posterity. I would have lived a moral life, but to what outcome, Where would I fall in the Hierarchy of Heaven or the levels of Hell.
3. If I defect and the Church is true, then I will have been following the spirit and will be blessed with obedience to the spirit and thus will be blessed in the afterlife. I will have had the opportunity to be a father and husband and learn to love ad the Father loves.
4. If I defect and the Church isn’t true then I will not have spent my life following that which isn’t true, and then I will have had the ability to love as a father and as a husband but where my place in the eternities lies is still up in the air.
In laying out the possible choices and options and actions and outcomes then I am left with the best possible choice for both me and the group as having me defect. It is the best way for me to be a productive member of society, It makes me the happiest and teaches me important life and spiritual lessons and I will have been following the spirit. This is my decision, and I wish I could make it now, but instead I must wait until after the Middle school musical is over (people irrationally fear that I am a pedophile) I might also wait until my mother is on stronger ground with herself emotionally and in her marriage, I don’t want to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. So I am set to come out Either March 8th (my birthday) or on May 6th after I finish with my finals.