Why! Why when I am finally at a place that I can live with, a place where I can accept the unacceptable in abeyance until more light and knowledge is given, am I thrown a curveball? Is it because that place isn't right? What is? I have tried everything, every path seems closed off to me. I begin to follow what I reason out in my mind, from things I have learned from out of the best books due to a lack of faith and what happens? I am sent spiraling back down into the depths of Hell. A personal inescapable Hell that follows me wherever I go. A Hell that even in sleep (which evades me now) continues to stalk me. A Hell in which I am preparring to go to bed and I get an idea that I need to read one more setion. Then another strong idea that I need to pray. Hoping that finally this prayer, this moment is what I have waited and asked for. PEACE. But no. Instead I offer myself on bended knee praying with a sincere heart and what do I get. My own personal Hell again. I try to sleep but can't. I am forced into such tears that my crying gives me a nosebleed. A personal Hell where I dont care that I have blood on my pillow, face, sheets. WHY! WHY! WHY! Why do I keep being tormented like this? Have I been humiliated and humbled enough? What more is required? Are my knuckles not bloodied? is my head not bruised? What More do you require so that I can have peace? Will it take my life to satisfy you Lord? I will give it if it is required.
Mormon and Gay
5 months ago