Pain, Sorrow, Confusion, Doubt > Life

on 02 April 2009

Why! Why when I am finally at a place that I can live with, a place where I can accept the unacceptable in abeyance until more light and knowledge is given, am I thrown a curveball? Is it because that place isn't right? What is? I have tried everything, every path seems closed off to me. I begin to follow what I reason out in my mind, from things I have learned from out of the best books due to a lack of faith and what happens? I am sent spiraling back down into the depths of Hell. A personal inescapable Hell that follows me wherever I go. A Hell that even in sleep (which evades me now) continues to stalk me. A Hell in which I am preparring to go to bed and I get an idea that I need to read one more setion. Then another strong idea that I need to pray. Hoping that finally this prayer, this moment is what I have waited and asked for. PEACE. But no. Instead I offer myself on bended knee praying with a sincere heart and what do I get. My own personal Hell again. I try to sleep but can't. I am forced into such tears that my crying gives me a nosebleed. A personal Hell where I dont care that I have blood on my pillow, face, sheets. WHY! WHY! WHY! Why do I keep being tormented like this? Have I been humiliated and humbled enough? What more is required? Are my knuckles not bloodied? is my head not bruised? What More do you require so that I can have peace? Will it take my life to satisfy you Lord? I will give it if it is required.

5 comments:

Alan said...

It's not required. What IS required is that you calm down a bit and be patient David. If you have a testimony as you say you do, then you must learn to trust that answers don't always come how or when we want. You have to learn to wait with patience and faith. That is terribly difficult to do, I know, when you hunger and ache for answers so much. But that's how it works.

Anonymous said...

David, You have no idea how much you mean to people and how much your struggles touch the lives of so many men and even women... Be strong, I know that is not fair for me to say since I am not going thru the same trials you are, But I gaurentee that GOD does not want you to take your life! You may never have all the answers you want here on earth, But you will live on in eternity and with GOD - I truly believe this : ) I can't imagine my life at this moment without being able to read your words of wisdom, struggles and observations! And make more videos!!! They are warm and fuzzy

Ezra said...

Perhaps this is the wrong thing to say, but I found when I stopped looking for the answers and just accepted the place I was in, my anguish level decreased dramatically.

Although I don't really have a testimony, either, so that makes things easier.

Ned said...

Hey David, I notice that over on your Facebook account last night you were considering blogging or IMing conference. I like the idea so much and the possibility to live interaction that I blogged about and mentioned you.

http://moho50.blogspot.com/2009/04/restoring-confer-in-conference.html

Thanks for you good ideas and your involvement here. I agree with all of the above that you mean so much to this community. I hope you are feeling more optimistic as you read this and consider how you are loved my so many.

April 4, 2009 9:18 AM

Aly said...

After writing a looooong response to this, the computer ate it and refused to spit it back out. So here's the gist of it:

*Try to have patience. I know you've waited and I know you're doing everything in your power to gain an answer and I know you have the desire to do what's right even if you find out it's not what you want, and I KNOW IT'S HARD, nearly impossible even. It's one of the hardest things to do, especially when you crave and need an answer, but that's precisely when it's the most crucial. An answer will come. God has NOT abandoned you and he will NEVER abandon you.

*YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. In the end I believe that it will be worth every tear, both physical and those only felt in the heart. You are not alone and you will NEVER be alone, especially in times of great need.

*Have you considered the possibility that maybe you're struggling with clinical depression? Even if you're not, talking to a counselor or therapist may help ease some of the burden.

*You have grown so much. I want you to be able to see that. I'm so proud of you for who you are and who you are becoming. Trials can help us develop compassion and ultimately become like Christ. He went through the greatest trial of all and He overcame. Through him you can AND WILL make it through this, and you will come out a better person even than you are now. I trust you and believe in you. You ARE good enough. You ARE strong enough. You ARE worth it.

*Mr. Baker, don't you dare give up. If you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on. You are dearly loved and adored by so many people including myself. We're all rooting for you.

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